[

mood

|

hopeful

]

Okay, so earlier today I was really hurtin.. my stomach was in knots, and i felt like i was gonna puke, man it was awful.. Now I just ate like too too much so I am trying to wait to go to bed so I can poo (yeah yeah I know its disgusting...truth hurts)  Anyways

I took Randall to Roswell Rents, his mama's work, so he could get John to tap his hole (sounds so dirty! lol hehe)  And then we talked.. we backz together.. I am happy now :-) Idunt know what i would have done if we were4 over.. Well, I think I might know but i'm not saying a word to anybody about it.  Not even my bffl Chanizzle

anyway, I love you Randall.. You have saved me.. I love you

[	mood	|	loved	]
[	music	|	Ashanti*Whats come over me	]

Okay, Cool! So, Things are better and I am happy now.  Randall is still worried about me cheatin on him like 'the bitchy redhead' did to him over 2 years ago... I trust him more this time around I guess.  Or, well, I try to.  And I try not to freak out at everything he does.  Its better than it was.  I don't call him 24/7 so he's happier to see me when he does.  He works at Lowes.. and has for about... 2 months.. Wow.. long time! And One year for Randall and I will be May 11, 2004.. Yea people might be like I thought yall broke up when yea we kinda did but idk.. its like the feelings deep down inside were still there and both of us knew that and we thought that we could be as happy with somebody else but realized we couldnt and we knew that our feelings were towards each other. and not somewhere else.  And yea we weren't gonna call one another! After all, I hated him, so i thought so i damn wasnt gonna call him.  And then one night, he called me at like 1:55 am.. and he asked if he could spend the night.. I almost didnt pick up my phone because I was so mad at him and I didnt want anything to do with him.  But I did.. i picked up.  And then he asked if he could come over after i said no he couldnt spend the night.. so we sat outside on the ground on my walkway. i sat bout 3 feet away from him and he pulled me closer.. til my leg was touching his.. then he pulled me to sit in his lap. He was all hugging me and everything and he kissed me.. and I felt it.. the love was there.. I hadn't felt that way for almost 10 months. It was hellah good. We sat outside for an hour.. I have a scar on my ankle where he pulled me closer.. he didnt know that it was cutting me.. i didnt say anything about it..But gah.. just its been pretty much like that since then.. I dont call all the time though.. thats probably why.. I want to be with him forever.. still.. as long as things stay like this.  I love Randall Scott Saputo!  My days are lighter, my sun shine's brighter, now that I'm back with you. Thank you.  

Wow! So Randall and I are back together again!!  Woo hoo!!  Lol omg this is great! Like okay from Febuary 11 to like March 6th we didnt talk AT ALL!  Wow... I hated him so much but inside i knew i still loved him and i think it was the same way for him.But yea we are good now, we still say I love you to each other and share our feelings more openly now.  Its cool!  I really like it but yea I am at school typing so I have to go right now!  I love you Randall and I always will.  I am glad things are good now!  One year may 11, 2004!  I love you baby!

*Bruiser (ill explain later)

[	mood	|	annoyed	]
[	music	|	Crossroads*bone thugs	]

People fuckin piss me off... Sluts, playas, liars, every lil shit like that just pisses me off.. Fuck them FUCK FUCK FUCK THEM.. And people who believe their bullshit.  Fuck them... FUCK THEIR GOD DAMN BULLSHIT FUCK IT Just ERR... I hate him.  Ya know. it really makes u feel like ass. But as of now, I'm over it.. Just Err if Derek and I become a couple again, then well FUCK.. he better not damn lie to me.. about ANYTHING.. If I find out he lies, hes gone.. Lil lies turn into BIG ones.. Just like Randalls lil askin Jamie, Wanna fuck?  Yea, the fuck he was kidding about that bullshit.. Hmmmmm......now into good memories.. I remember the day Derek asked me out August 2002.  :-) We were talkin on the computer.. Wonderful. We were talkin in 3rd person.. Then he called just to ask me out.. when we were talkin on the computer.. I liked that.. Sweet.. yea.. I know hehe...  

FUCK THIS GOD DAMN SHIT

[	mood	|	confused	]
[	music	|	Breakdown*Bone Thugs and MC	]

Why is this happening to me?  I tell myself that I hate him then my mom starts talkin to me about it.. damn it it was a fuck up on her part.. and then i start to cry again.. It's just it makes me feel useless ya know?  Like I'm a piece of shit.  I wasn't worth anything and then at the end of it all, he doesn't even get a fuck enough to talk to me.. But no hes gonna go back to Kelly even though he said he wasnt going to.  that he wasn't interested in finding anybody else.  Well, what the fuck ever..

Pain in my heart; hits like a dart; memories in my head; wishin i were dead; sad and confused; feels like i was used; stuck in the rain; his reasons were so lame; i wish i were gone; i knew all along; it was too good to be true; i wish i hadn't lost you....

Then okay, I fuck up.. I wish I could just... run..... far away from here..... far, far away from here.. Derek thinks im gay and shit, probably, Randall hates me... my moms tellin me to move on, take a break be single.. and idk.. just FUCK FUCK FUCK... I hate being single.. I feel so alone.. so.. soo.. alone.... and believe it or not, Derek's the only one I can trust at this point.   I can't even trust Randall. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...........................EEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I HATE THIS

[	mood	|	scared	]
[	music	|	Where did I go right	]

Hmmm.. Derek came over today.. Brought Rex (he drives now too! Weird... lol i feel so behind)  Anyway, Allan and Dixi were here too!  YAY I SAW EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!  I was happy!  Allan had taken somethin.. crazy kid.. Anyway, I wanted to give derek a big ole hug and all that good stuff... I want 2 b in his arms again.. when he comes around I'm happy.. its nice.. idk.. i haven't been happy in a long time.. even the last few weeks when i was with Randall, I wasn't happy... I guess inside i knew things were slowly ending... but whatever.. I don't need someone who is gonna be an asshole to me.  And I told my friend Austen Palmer about it at school.. He said that after going out for 9 months he gives me a lame ass reason like that its pretty shitty. him and his girl just broke up.. he broke up with her.  He said that things weren't fair for him in a relationship.. he confused me.. but whatever... anyway, I'm talkin to Derek... hes kinda makin me worried like he won't ever wanna be with me again too.. :-( REJECTION FROM EVERY SIDE!  that blows... He thinks im doin tina.. I'm really not.. haven't done it since ... July.. oops.. i told them wrong..i stopped in march.. then i did it once in july and then since then i haven't done ANYTHING! ... Uh oh.. hes gettin mad at me.. My tummy hurts... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.. God i hate this.. he says hes in a rut... fuck.... i knew he didn't want me back..... this blows... Everything blows.... I FUCK EVERYTHING UP... Allan and Dixi are good.. Thats good.. I'm happy for them. Allan told me that he doesn't want to lose Dixi.. GAH!  THAS SO CUTE!!  All my friends are finding love.. how cute.. lol.. and my last love just FUCKED ME OVER.. I'm afraid that it is going to happen again.. I hate this... And a knowing me, I think a lot.. This blows.. Umm okay and to make things worse im listening to Hilary Duff... And I gotta get off at 11:30 and its 11:15.  NOO NO NO NO NO NO.... Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh  I hate life sometimes.. I'm gonna die from stress... I'm gonna have a heart attack.. Weird huh?  Lol Someobdy think they havin a heart attack when its just heart burn lol tha'd b funny.. lol.. sorry.. okay yea I guess I'm gonna end this!
PCE